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What to expect in your first therapy session with me.
If you have not had any counselling before, it can feel scary to reach out and make that first appointment, because you have no idea what it will be like. Some people have no concerns, but it is really common for others to be worried or feel unsure about what will happen. For some, just making that first appointment means that they already feel that a small load has been lifted, because they know that they are taking a step in the right direction. However, some may still worry about what happens when they get to the session.
People come to counselling for a huge variety of reasons, including depression, anxiety, phobias, low self confidence, betrayal and affairs, ADHD, loneliness, neurodiversity and so many other things! Whatever brings you to counselling, please know first of all, you will get a warm welcome from me. We will usually have already had an introductory call, so I will have an idea of what has made you decide to start having counselling. Whatever it is that you are bringing to therapy, this is a safe space for you to unload what is going on for you confidentially, and be treated without any judgement from me.
Some clients have said that it helped them to see what my therapy room looked like before we started sessions, so they’re knew what to expect, so I have included a photo of my room.
Some say that they have no idea where to start, or that they don’t know what is going on for them, or that they are scared to share things which they have never told anyone else, or are worried in case they cry. All of this is fine and totally normal, I’m here to help you start to make sense of whatever it is that is going on for you, and I will do it in a way that makes you feel at ease, so you start to feel able to share, and speak openly and honestly.
I believe that the relationship between therapist and client is key to successful outcomes, so if you’re looking for real human connection, then I might be the right therapist for you. I’m down to earth and understand how difficult it can be to make that first move and start having counselling. So my wish is to make the process as easy as possible for you, and I acknowledge your courage in reaching out. Counselling cannot change your past, but I can help you to make sense of it, and start to understand why you might behave in certain ways which you may no longer feel comfortable or happy with.
My hope is that through our work together you are able to understand how past experiences shape present emotional and relational patterns, and explore these patterns safely within the therapeutic relationship. This could help you to form a deeper sense of self, learn to trust your own feelings and gain the tools to lead a more fulfilling life and form healthier relationships in your life, both with others and yourself.
During our first session (which will last for 50 minutes) I will spend time getting to know you, learning what your goals are, what your expectations for therapy are, and what you are looking to achieve. As well as what brings you here, including anything you may have already read in my Social Media and Blogs section. In the session we will also discuss any fears you have or reservations in coming to therapy as well as exploring my personal therapeutic approach. This session will also include an initial assessment, which means I will ask some questions about your background, lifestyle and the issues that you are experiencing, so I gain some further insight into what is happening for you. There is absolutely no pressure or obligation to share anything with me that you do not feel comfortable in sharing or do not feel ready to talk about yet.
I am always happy for you to ask me any questions that you may have at any point during the session.
Many people say that they are surprised by how much they felt able to share with me by the end of the session (I always feel honoured when people trust me with their true feelings and emotions), after all, 50 minutes ago I was a complete stranger! However, clients often say that they find it easier to open up to a stranger, rather than “burden” their own friends or family with their issues, or they are worried about being judged or treated differently by family and friends if they are honest about how they are feeling. This is something that we can explore.
Most clients come out of that first session feeling a sense of relief, emotionally lighter and perhaps feeling a little bit more hopeful about the future. If you would like to arrange an introductory call to see how we could work together, and how I could help you, please get in touch. I work in person with clients in Launceston and online with clients anywhere in the UK
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Yesterday was A-level results day
For some this was about celebrating success and achievement, and for others it was a less positive and more difficult day. Results do matter, but mental health matters more. I hope that whatever their results were, your young person realises that their results do not define them, and that they have found, or are in the process of finding, the path that they want to follow.
For us parents this can signify the start of a big transition in our own lives. Some are excited to see their children go and follow their dreams. For many this excitement is also mixed with feelings of anxiety and worry. Our children may be anxious and it can be difficult to support them through this time, and this can raise our own anxiety levels. We may be thinking about how our own lives will change, once our kids leave home to go to university or travelling, and are out in the world without us!
Once our children leave home some of us will find ourselves having a huge shift in our living or family dynamic, some may be facing living alone, or living with a partner that they haven’t lived alone with for many years, it’s likely that your home will be left feeling emptier and this can bring up many different emotions and feelings.
You may be wondering what you will do with your time once they leave home, how things might change between you and your child, or you and your partner or other children. You might be thinking about how you will manage feelings of loneliness, grief (or perhaps guilt, if you’re feeling happy at the prospect of having more time to yourself). You may be considering how you will cope with saying goodbye. Or be worried about how your child will cope living away from home.
All of these feelings, and any other emotions that you may be feeling are completely valid and normal. It may help you to talk to a counsellor about what is going on for you, and how you will navigate these significant changes in your life. Parenting in general, life transitions and changes in family dynamics can be really difficult and talking to a therapist can help you to process how you are feeling and help you to move forwards.
I also work with young people (aged 16 and over), so if you think that your young person would benefit from some support outside of the home during this potentially difficult time, please ask them to get in touch. Counselling can offer them their own space to talk about the pressure, their fears and hopes, change or whatever else might be going on for them. I offer reduced rates for young people. I work face to face with clients in Launceston, Cornwall, and online with clients anywhere in the UK.
Please reach out if you would like to arrange a free 10/15 minute introductory call to see how I could help with these and any other issues that you may be experiencing.
Who actually needs therapy?
This is a question that I am often asked. My honest answer is - probably everyone! I believe that we could all benefit from the support and self reflection that therapy provides. However, some people say that they don’t think that their problems are “big” enough to take to therapy, or that they don’t want to waste my time! I assure you that any difficulties that you may be experiencing are totally valid and enough to bring to your counselling session, no concerns are too big or small.
Imagine a group of friends, one of them keeps repeating the same unhealthy relationship patterns. Another is questioning their sexual identity. One of them is experiencing anxiety but they aren’t sure why. Another is feeling very low and doesn’t know how to make themselves feel better. These are all issues that clients may bring to sessions. They are all completely valid reasons to seek help. Within this group of friends, none of them consider the others to be “crazy” and none of them considers themselves at crisis point. Some of them may keep their problems to themselves as they don’t want to be a “burden” to their other friends (when really, those friends would probably love to have the opportunity to support their own friends).
To an onlooker, they probably all look fine, we can become very good at masking our problems and putting on a brave face. The reality is that opening up about, or sharing our difficulties and getting a new perspective can be the start of positive change. All of the people within this group would probably benefit from getting to know themselves a little better, and start to understand why they may behave in certain ways. This is one of many things that counselling can help you with.
If you are experiencing any kind of ongoing emotional distress, life changes, trauma, depression, anxiety, find yourself stuck in unhealthy patterns, experiencing relationship problems, or any other mental health concerns then counselling may help you.
If your thoughts or emotions are starting to disrupt your everyday life. Or you feel constantly overwhelmed, sad, worried, a sense of hopelessness, or you no longer enjoy doing things that used to make you happy, maybe it’s time to start thinking about how to make some changes, perhaps starting with counselling.
So therapy isn’t about wondering if you are struggling enough to need support, or if your problems are big enough. Instead, it is about wondering if there are any things going on in your life, including your own actions and behaviours, that you may want to gain more understanding of, change, or process and work through. If so, then therapy may be helpful for you.
Many people wish that they had reached out for help before they got to crisis point, rather than wait until their situation escalated. It is better to reach out sooner rather than later.
If you would like a free 10-15 minute telephone call, to see how I may be able to help you, please get in contact.
Back to school
A lot of children have already gone back to school and the rest will return over the next week or so. There can be a lot of emotions involved for both parents and young people.
Some children may feel happy at the prospect of returning and can’t wait to get back to school, they may thrive on routine and want to see their friends. Some parents feel similarly, they might be looking forward to their children going back to school after the long summer break so they can also return to a “normal” routine.
Other children may be dreading school, for various reasons, and this can be difficult for parents to support. They may be awaiting a diagnosis, or be struggling with friendships or perhaps events over the summer holidays have been difficult. A child feeling anxious about returning to school for whatever reason, can be difficult and also raise the parents anxiety levels.
Some parents, again for a variety of reasons may not be looking forward to their children returning to school. Some children may not be able to return to school and this may be difficult for families to navigate.
Some children are home schooled, so the transition may not seem quite as impactful, but there will probably still be changes in the families routine.
If you have older children who are going off to university or travelling, this can also raise a huge mix of feelings including worry, loneliness, grief and guilt.
However you are feeling, your emotions are totally valid. This period of children returning to school can be a time for some parents to reflect, and sometimes acknowledge that they may need support with the way that they are feeling, or with supporting their children.
Counselling with me can be a great way of exploring what is going on for you in a confidential, non-judgmental and down to earth setting. You can start to unravel your feelings, begin to make sense of things and perhaps make changes if that feels right for you.
I work with people aged 16 and over, both face to face in my therapy room in Launceston, and online anywhere in the UK. Please reach out and get in touch if you would like a free 10/15 minute introductory call to see if I can help.
Boundaries
Some clients come to me because they don’t know how to set boundaries, or don’t know what sort of boundaries they should be setting. They know that something feels off within themselves or within their relationships, and they want to make changes but aren’t sure where to start.
Boundaries are simply guidelines for how you would like to be treated and how you treat others. Flexible boundaries generally work best, and can change depending on the situation, person and how you are feeling. Setting boundaries is an important part of self care and important in maintaining healthy and happy relationships, including friendships, as well as family and romantic relationships.
People might start to feel anxious just at the thought of having to say no to someone. They may have spent their whole life trying to make people happy or avoid difficult situations. However when we constantly say yes or people please, this can slowly chip away at our patience and energy, and resentment can grow and we can start to feel overwhelmed. Does any of this feel familiar to you?
It’s a really good idea to set healthy boundaries, this can help you to protect yourself and your mental health. However, it can be a really difficult thing to start doing if you haven’t done it before. Even the thought of saying no can feel terrifying at first. But it is something that counselling can help you to do.
You may be a people pleaser who struggles to say no to others. Or you may get upset or feel rejected if others set boundaries within your relationship. Talking to a therapist about what doesn’t feel right within your relationships can help you to make sense of why you are behaving in certain ways, which may no longer feel helpful or healthy.
Once you start to understand your own feelings and actions better, it becomes easier to accept and value yourself, and perhaps realise that your own opinions matter. It becomes easier to reflect on what you really want and need from those around you, and so communicating this to others starts to feel less scary.
Being able to accept when others set boundaries, as well as feeling able to say no to someone, and not always trying to please others can have a huge positive impact on your mental health, and life in general, and can reduce stress and anxiety levels. Recognising that agreeing to disagree with someone is always a valid option can be really beneficial.
Through counselling, we can improve our self compassion, and realise that setting boundaries isn’t selfish or unkind, it’s simply an act of looking after ourselves and our own needs.
If any of this resonates with you, and you would like to explore why you behave in certain ways with others, then therapy with me would be a great place to start unravelling this and beginning to make sense of it. I work face to face in Launceston and online anywhere in the UK. I offer a free introductory chat, to see if you would like to work with me. Please get in touch if you would like to do this, here are my website details.
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Body Image
Body image is how you see, feel and think about your physical self. It is not just about how we perceive our body shape, it’s about the emotions attached to it, and then how those feelings can shape our behaviours. Research shows that almost half of all adults in the UK feel unhappy with their bodies and appearance. This is such a worrying figure and shows that something is very wrong within our society. Body image concerns affect people from all walks of life, and of all ages. Our own perception of how we view our bodies can be distorted from reality, and this can be caused by various factors.
There can be pressure on us from social media to try and look a certain way. If we don’t feel that we look like the “socially accepted norm” - which is actually often heavily edited and unrealistic images, then we may fall into unhealthy or unsafe habits and these can be very damaging to our mental health.
Considering our use of social media, perhaps being more conscious of which accounts we follow, which ones makes us feel good, and recognising which ones may make us feel negatively about ourselves and our bodies. Then perhaps unfollowing some accounts, or limiting our time on social media can be a good starting point.
If we feel constantly dissatisfied with our bodies or that we’re not good enough then this can lead to low self esteem, depression, anxiety and eating disorders. If we do nothing about this, then our feelings can start to spiral and begin to heavily impact our everyday lives. This can stop us from doing some of the things that we want to do and our lives can become restricted.
Feelings of inadequacy around our body image may also stem from our childhoods, for example a cruel comment made about our bodies (maybe unintentionally, but this can still have a huge impact), or we may have been bullied. As young people, we may learn to internalise these feelings of inadequacy.
I have battled with my own body image over the years, so I do have lived experience of how difficult this experience can be. Posting photos of myself on social media, for example, can still be difficult. I have chosen to share this photo as although in the past I may not have thought it was a flattering photo of myself, it shows me having a moment of joy, and I have learned to appreciate and embrace that!
If you think that your relationship with your body has become difficult, then it would probably help to talk to a counsellor. Together we can work out how and why the issues may have started, then we can start to break down why you believe certain things and why your emotions might be so heightened around this issue. We can unravel the patterns that you might have fallen into which are no longer helpful, and start to look at what you might want to change and how you would like to live your life. From there we could work on self awareness and self compassion. Treating yourself with the same respect, compassion and understanding that you would offer a close friend can start to shift your perspective, behaviours. Resulting in a positive impact on your mental health, and feelings of anxiety and depression may start to improve. Rather than focusing on trying to change yourself, the emphasis might move towards accepting yourself and learning to love yourself.
This process will obviously be different for everyone as we are all unique, this is just an example of how we might work together, so I tailor the therapy to suit each individual client. If any of this has resonated with you or you have any other topics that you would like to explore in therapy then please get in touch. My aim is to offer a safe space where you feel able and comfortable to discuss the things that you may find difficult to discuss with others in your life, with acceptance and without fear of judgement from me.
Why Resting Is So Important
Some people might find it easy to take time out and rest if they are feeling physically or mentally tired. Many others find it very difficult to actually take time for themselves to rest and do things just for themselves. They may feel guilty, or think that to be a successful person they need to be continually productive. Or they may feel selfish for trying to prioritise their own needs. This can be caused by social conditioning, and, or, the way that we have been brought up.
Modern culture can treat busyness as a sign of strength, and slowing down and resting as lazy or weak. As children we may have only received praise or love when we were being productive or achieving, so we might learn that being still is not safe or desirable. We might grow up being told that everything on a to do list has to be completed before we can rest. However sometimes, particularly once we are adults, our lists can become endless, so we might not feel that we have earned our rest, so it is tinged with guilt and worrying about the things that still need to be done.
Rest is so important to us, both physically and mentally, and it is a basic necessity and requirement for our health and wellbeing. We need to start treating it as such, and not as something that we need to earn, or feel guilty about. Many of us have caring responsibilities, but we also need, and deserve to take time away from these duties when possible. It may be that we need to schedule time into our busy lives to have breaks, do the things we enjoy and truly rest. Learning to do these acts of self care and self compassion can have a profoundly positive impact on our lives.
Some people avoid resting because once they start to slow down, and don’t have a distraction occupying them, their mind can become flooded with thoughts of tasks that still need completing. Or keeping busy can act as a shield to distract you from some of the realities that you are avoiding facing, such as anxiety, loneliness, burnout or grief. People may think that they are resting when they are scrolling on their phones. Whilst they may be physically still, the brain is actively working, and some of the content that we are looking at may be preventing our nervous system from dropping into a relaxed or restorative state. If you continue to avoid these feelings then it can be easy to tip into overwhelm, and the feelings can escalate.
Learning to be able to rest and sit with your feelings without feeling guilty can be easier said than done. People who do rest, and take time out to do the things that make them feel relaxed and happy, and manage to do so without feeling guilty or being overwhelmed by their own thoughts tend to be more at ease, focused and then able to be more productive when they actually need to be.
I took some time out at the weekend to do some things that bring me joy and help me to relax. I did Pilates in a field with alpacas, then had a lovely nourishing lunch , followed by a walk on the beach, then a wonderfully restful afternoon at home. I know that this will recharge me for a busy week ahead. What you choose to do to rest will look different for everyone, have a think about what will make you happy and feel more able to relax. Perhaps focus on carving out some time for yourself over the next week to simply rest and recharge.
If you find the idea of doing this difficult or anything you have read here resonates, you may find that talking about your feelings with a counsellor like me can really help. We could start to unravel why you may behave in certain ways, and then perhaps start to look at why the coping mechanisms that you have put in place may not be helpful anymore. I can help you to process what is going on for you, and in time help you to move forwards, perhaps with more helpful coping strategies, which may help you to lead a more positive and fulfilling life.
Baby Loss Awareness Week
It is currently baby loss awareness week, this is a time to remember and honour the many babies who died too soon, to raise awareness of pregnancy and baby loss, and to ensure that those who have experienced baby loss are getting the support they need. Awareness does need to be raised, because this is a topic that is not always discussed, and it actually affects a staggering amount of people, with around 1 in 4 people in the UK having been personally affected by pregnancy and or baby loss.
Baby loss can include situations where a baby is lost before, during or shortly after birth, such as miscarriage, termination for medical reasons, still births, neonatal death and SIDS.
There are amazing charities such as Tommys, Petals and Sands that can offer support and perhaps a sense of community for grieving families.
Sometimes you may feel that you need more immediate support, and counselling can be a place to share your experience, and start to process the grief and many other emotions that you may be feeling. Your loss does not have to be recent for it to still be having a huge impact on your life. I have my own baby loss story, as so many of us do, and whilst I appreciate that all of our experiences are different, I also think that my own lived experience of going through this, alongside my counselling skills, can help me to support others going through similar experience’s.
Please reach out if you would like a free introductory call with me to discover more. I work in person in Launceston, and online anywhere in the UK
ADHD in Women
Women discovering or suspecting that they have ADHD later in life is becoming more common. Some of us may have thought that we were a little “different“ from others, but never really understood or explored what this might mean. We could have a stereotypical view of ADHD, perhaps of boys being physically hyperactive. We may not realise that in women and girls ADHD can present quite differently. Perhaps with the hyperactivity happening in our brains, with a hundred different thoughts all happening at once and our minds never quietening. This can be viewed by others as “daydreaming “ or inattentiveness, when in reality we’re just trying to figure out which of our multiple thoughts we need to focus on, and that in itself can be an impossible task!
Women and girls learn very quickly to mask any behaviours that may be viewed as unusual, “weird” or different. We generally want to fit in and we want people to like us, so we may learn to become people pleasers, as well as internalising symptoms so that others aren’t aware of what’s going on for us.
It’s no coincidence that the question of ADHD often comes at a time when we are also going through peri menopause, our oestrogen levels are depleting and we are experiencing big life changes.
If we have teenage daughters it can also coincide with them going through huge hormonal shifts so can create an absolute shit storm of hormonal chaos within our homes!
My own journey of recognising that I may have ADHD came in my 40’s. I was always busy, there was always something to do and I was always tired. I felt compelled to be productive and realise now that this was a distraction from ever having to sit with my thoughts and figure out what the fuck was actually going on in my head! The mental exhaustion came from my mind whizzing around at 100 miles an hour, and seemingly never stopping unless I was asleep. I’d spent my life thinking that this is how everyone’s minds work, and was astonished to find out that many neurotypical brains don’t work this way, to discover that some people’s minds are sometimes quiet was baffling to me! Throughout my life I’d needed to take naps and try to prioritise sleep, and this at times led me to being labelled as lazy. So to understand that I literally needed this extra sleep not because I was lazy, but because my neurodivergent brain needed it to recharge and recover was a revelation!
An ADHD trait that was strong within me was procrastination. The putting off of tasks, or starting smaller tasks to avoid doing the bigger tasks, only to never complete these tasks either so having multiple unfinished tasks on the go. Or scrolling on my phone, before I knew it hours had gone by and I had achieved none of the things I was intending to do.
Another one that was (and still is according to my daughter ) big for me is time blindness. I’m always late, I’m always rushing and I always think that I have plenty of time when clearly I don’t! This is something I need to keep working on. Executive function can be a real issue for many people with ADHD.
Another biggy for me was hypersensitivity, this is tied in with rejection sensitivity and difficulty in handling criticism. It’s something that I mainly have under control now and handle differently, but it still rears its head from time to time. Also talking a lot, perhaps more than others! I used to finish other people’s sentences (lacking in patience is evident here!), or if someone was telling a story I related to, wanting to share my own story, but wanting to do it immediately so I don’t forget, which others can think is rude which certainly wasn’t the intention!
Which brings us onto forgetfulness. Does “what the hell did I come into this room for” sound familiar?! The brain fog is real, particularly when timed with peri-menopause or menopause. For some women this can be extreme, we may wonder if we’re going mad or suffering from dementia, which can be really frightening.
Perfectionism can be another ADHD trait. We may try to make everything seem outwardly perfect, to cover up the messiness or disorganisation that is going on inside of our heads.
For some of us, having children who we suspect or are diagnosed as neurodivergent can give us a lightbulb moment of “oh - I do that too”. We may recognise some of these traits in our parents as well as ourselves and our children.
When we have lived with ADHD all of our lives and not recognised or left it unexplored for so long, this can lead to chronic stress, overwhelm and feelings of inadequacy. Particularly with so much pressure on women to juggle careers, relationships parenting and then perhaps at this life stage, caring for our own parents, it can all become too much. It can also lead to misdiagnosis of different conditions such as anxiety, depression, or “it’s just your age” when we finally realise that we can’t go on like this and reach out for help.
For me, finally realising that I have ADHD, and understanding how this had impacted me throughout my life (hindsight is great, to look back and realise that I wasn’t a weird kid, I was simply coping and behaving in the best way that I knew how) was a real epiphany. Recognising that life is generally designed for neurotypical people can help us to make sense of why neurodivergent people can find life more challenging. Once I understood, I was able to feel relief, validation and have self compassion which enabled me to accept that this is me. With help and psycho education, I was able to set boundaries, become more self aware, gain coping skills and make lifestyle changes and adjustments. I can honestly say that these have made my life so much easier and more enjoyable.
If any of this resonates with you, and you would like to talk about how you are feeling, and how I might help you, please get in touch to arrange a free 10/15 minute introductory call. I appreciate that we’re all unique and that while there may be similarities in our experiences, there will also be differences. I think that my lived experience of ADHD, alongside my training and clinical experience of working with clients with ADHD and suspected ADHD (you do not need an official diagnosis), puts me in a valid position to be able to work with you to make sense of what is going on for you. Then help you to make impactful positive changes to your life if that is what you would like to do, if you recognise that some of your behaviours are no longer beneficial or serving you well.
(I am unable to diagnose ADHD, however I am able to signpost you if you are looking for a diagnosis).